1. "So-and-so looked out over the docks of Brooklyn and sighed happily." Um, no? These newsies probably ain't exactly euphoric over their conditions. At best they're gonna be tolerant.

2. Newsie names like Honeydreams, Stardust, Sweetie-pie, Happykins, and dorky stuff like that have got to go. (I mean in fan fic. If it's your handle, I don't care.) Be realistic. Also, girls' names like Jordan, Crystal, Kristen, Brandy, and Lindsey were probably not hugely popular or even existent at the turn of the century, so don't use them. Even if it's the name on your birth certificate. NEWS FLASH (no pun intended): You were not born in 18-whatever.

3. Misspelled words and bad grammar suck. Unless it's coming out of a newsie's mouth, of course, but the spelling should still be right.

4. "So-and-so was walking down the street. She bumped into a guy. It was Jack Kelly. Jack grabbed her and kissed her, and she knew that he was the one. They started going out. The end." There should at least be a ghost of a plot, people. Some suspense is nice. Build it up, baby.

5. A rich and famous ballerina dancer (lawd'a mercy, what IS it with the ballerinas?) who suddenly loses everything and becomes a newsie is NOT very believable. Plus, it's old.

6. Most newsies don't travel in hordes... they usually sold alone, and kept their own money. It just doesn't work for everyone and their mother to be wandering around New York like a pack of wolves. So when every newsie from here to Timbuktu comes upon your character (and they all fall in love with her), it's stupid, because that's not even remotely realistic.

7. Don't kill the newsies, okay? We love them. We care for them. We want them. A caring author does not take out her own characters. (Especially if it's written in first person, okay? That might have worked for All Quiet on the Western Front but it's probably not going to have the same effect in a fan fic. Don't do it unless you are sure of what you're doing.) The point of newsies fan fic is to explore the characters, have fun with them, put yourselves into your own fantasies. But if your fantasy involves killing off a newsie and using depression and pity tactics to get a rise out of your readers, then you suck.

8. I personally hate flashbacks. Unless it's like, an actual FLASHBACK, like old guys to Vietnam, where your character hits the floor, pulls an imaginary machine gun and starts talking about Charlie. In which case, it's cool. But if it's just their own pitiful thoughts, about Johnny-my-love who died tragically in his prime, then who frigging cares? It's going to end up sounding like a Lifetime Intimate Portrait, which I think is stupid and boring.

9. I highly doubt that all the newsies in Lower Manhattan loved each other like brothers. Sure, there are going to be best friendships, but there are also going to be tensions. Build them up and work with them, honey! Tension, romantic or otherwise, is the spice of life.

10. Listen closely and repeat after me: The Delanceys are not the source of all that is evil. So don't always use them as your scapegoats.

11. Once again, listen closely and repeat after me: Sarah Jacobs is not the source of all that is evil. (I pick on her as much as the next guy, but try to leave it out of the fan fic, will ya? Sheesh.)

12. I don't think newsies wear wrist watches. (Unless it's the ghetto pimp-daddy Spot Conlon, in his FuBu coat, ice, and Rolex.)

13. Don't invent sisters for the newsies unless they're really good (yes, there are a few exceptions). I think Spot's tally is up to like 28 at this point, and don't get me started on Jack and stuff, so I think that character slot's about full up. I don't mind the newsies finding their parents, uncles, brothers, grandparents, or whatever, but something is very aggravating about newsie sisters. Just look at Sarah, for pete's sake. Nobody likes HER, why do you think everyone's going to like YOUR rendition? I've always believed that fan fic should make both the writer AND the reader happy... so unless you're just writing it for yourself, don't turn it into your personal little den of horror.

14. Don't martyr your characters, please. I'm sure it happened sometimes, but the ENTIRE FEMALE POPULATION OF NEW YORK CITY in 1899 was not getting beat up by their drunken fathers/brothers/uncles/husbands/boyfriends. And even if they were, what can your newsie of choice do, really? Step in and fix everything with a snap of his fingers? If it was that easy for someone to fix someone's problems, then nobody would have any, kapiche? And it might seem like a nice idea to have all the newsies rally together to help that person, but it isn't. It's not heart-warming, it's disgusting and unrealistic. Most people, no matter how friendly they are with the 'victim' (oh how I hate that word) are going to ignore it. And that's reality. Don't question this one.

15. Hanging from the fire escape by your shoelaces is always funny. But no one can take that one, cuz it's Ace's.

16. I don't recall the newsies bringing in every stranger who looked hungry and cold to the lodging house in the movie, do you? So I seriously doubt they would have done it every other frigging DAY in real life. Seriously, people. In most fan fic, it's like, the newsie sees a forlorn PSYCHO on the street with an ax, and they automatically say, "Hey, come on down to the lodgin' house. There's plenty of room, seeing as we NEVER BRING ANYONE ELSE THERE WITH US." Sheesh, people. It wasn't a frigging Holiday Inn. It wouldn't happen like that in real life. Not everyone in New York was a newsie, and not everyone lived in the same frigging lodging house (that just happens to be in Lower Manhattan.)

17. I hate it when people make newsies all dreamy and trippy, like they were born yesterday. These kids have had to grow up way too fast... they're out there making their own living every day, and you think they're still naive and stupid? I think not. They've probably had their hopes crushed more than once. And on the same note, selling papers was probably not all sunshine and roses either. The newsies didn't have enough money to go gallivanting around the city, having fun and playing hookey from work every time they saw a pretty girl. Selling papes was not like attending school. It was their LIVELIHOOD, not just a hobby. So don't write it like one!

18. Hey, how's about a newsie fic that's NOT about romance? Whoa... wait a minute, I'm sorry, I forgot. The newsies do nothing but cruise around all day in their Mustang convertibles in their Abercrombie, picking up chicks. Come ON. The newsies are probably not as cute as all that to the untrained eye (i.e., that of someone who's NOT obsessed with the movie, which I believe would include everyone in 1899 New York), and plus, they probably smell funny! They sweat around in the same clothes every frigging day, don't forget. And they're not all smooth-talking Casanovas who've been everywhere and done everything. If you have to do a romance, at least THINK about it before you write it.

19. Now this is just me, but I am SO SICK of the Jack-and-Rose romances, about a high-society girl falling for a poor-boy newsie. I can't think of anything more unlikely. It might have worked for Titanic, but come on. I'd wait until I got to be the king of the world (or at least a better writer) to pull something like that off.

20. I'm begging you from the bottom of my heart... please, please, PLEASE try to keep your tenses straight. If it's a rough draft, fine, who cares, but there IS such a thing as reading back over your story when you finish and fixing it so that it's not half-past and half-present tense. And if you really suck at editing, get a friend to do it. Hell, I'LL do it. Geesh. It ain't that hard.

21. Try to come up with new angles. I hate reading the same bubblegum pre-fab stories over and over and over and OVER again. It gets frigging old. Snitch themes from great poems, from your favorite books, etc., but please don't snitch them from your favorite newsies fan fic. Get my meaning?

22. Two words: Mary Sue. DON'T DO IT. I have yet to read a newsie fan fic that stars an UGLY girl. I'd love to. It would give me hope.

23. Don't go overboard with the New York dialect. You don't have to re-spell every word that comes out of your newsie's mouth - trust me, we all know what a New York accent sounds like - because in truth, it's HIGHLY ANNOYING. Moderation here is key.

24. It's not very realistic to have a slight-figured teenage girl beat up a mob of angry thugs. It's not even realistic to have said girl beat up Oscar and Morris Delancey (see #10), unless she is specifically and extraordinarily endowed. I mean, seriously, I couldn't do it. Could you? Be honest - I doubt it.

25. If someone's newsie starts comparing a girl's eyes to the torrid ocean or some fool thing, I'm going to vomit, because they've probably never even SEEN an ocean that's worthy of a romantic simile. And if they have, then they're definitely not refined enough to actually do it. So lay off the Casanova newsies - they're probably all bumbling romantic dolts.

26. Here's a mild one that I must confess I'm guilty of as well. Real-life newsgirls wore dresses, so don't put your newsgirls in pants unless they're off-duty. It's horrible. It's degrading. It's prejudiced. It was probably veddy veddy distressing on windy days. But it's true.

27. I'm so sick of stories that end up being split into like two bazillion parts. That's SO annoying! Just put it all into one LONG story and have done with it. Unless you're writing a television serial, which you're not, there should be no reason for having frigging EPISODES.

28. Spot Conlon and Jack Kelly are in two different lodging houses, no? They almost certainly do not visit each other every day. They are not the best of friends, though I do believe they are close in certain ways (not like THAT, get your mind out of the gutter!). Go watch Newsies again and get it through your head.

29. Denton may have been the newsies' saving grace in the movie, but come on. You don't honestly think he's going to drop his entire career, his entire life, and devote himself to helping a bunch of little boys along with their petty little lives? They're friends, sure - he'd probably do them a favor now and then, but they're not his personal charity cases anymore. If they were, he'd probably get run into the poorhouse. Remember the five-dollar fines? That was a lot back then. Sorry, I've digressed.

30. Why does no one take liberties with the obscure characters' personalities? Why CAN'T Bumlets be a narcissist who's in love with his hair? Why shouldn't Dutchy be a suave debonair in his own mind, the Anthony Michael Hall of Newsies? (author's note: If you haven't seen Sixteen Candles, then go to Blockbuster. NOW. Before it's too late...) Why do Spot, Jack and Mush get all the girls? What about Specs, he's probably dying for a shag! Geesh, you guys.

ALL of this is copyright 2000 Valerie Keller. If I find out you've stolen any of it, I'll rip your virtual head off and shove it up your virtual butt. Plus, I'll lose all vestiges of respect for you. I wrote this in July and it's from my own imagination. If you rip it off then you just suck.